A Stoner and a Cat
by Oats The Pantless
Summary: A regular American, Allen, decides to visit his cousin Kio after graduation. Instead of spending his time with family, smoking and 'chewing the fat' he's now stuck dealing with aliens called "Catians".


"_Say your prayers little one, don't forget my son, to include everyooone!"_

"Alright Aren, I think you've had too much to drink."

"_Oi, says who? And its Allen! A-L-L-E-N."_

"Because you're still speaking English."

"Oh shit, fuck, I forgot about that. I think I need some fresh air, or some UN-fresh air, if you know what I mean."

"You know that you can't smoke freely outside, right? Its dirty. Plus, if you smoke…" He stopped and whispered. "Mariujana out here you'll get in trouble."

"You mean _pot?_ Way ahead of you cus. Check this shit out."

The older cousin, named Allen, reached into his plaid robe pocket and pulled out a thick pen.

"Pen vapes, newest thing on the market. You can put nicotine and even pot in these bad boys, guess which ones in it right now? Oh, and better yet, I got a shitton of stuff back in my suitcase. Enough to last me a good month or two, or at least until you go back to school."

He stopped talking to put the pen in his mouth and breath in. After a couple seconds, the light from the pen's button dimmed and he put it back in his pocket.

"..."

"..."

Then he exhaled, causing a thick cloud of smoke to start immediately dissipating. "Whew fuck me mate. Not as good as the old pipe, but its at least discreet. Hey, want me to get that bag real quick? Its probably too heavy for a stick figure like you."

The younger cousin, named Kio, shook his head disappointedly and handed one of the bags over, the beer bottles and cans inside clinking together. "Sure thing cousin, just don't drink any before we get back."

"Ahhhh, ya caught me. But man, to think I'd graduate and come to Japan of all places. Thanks for leaving me a room by the way Kio. I know its been a while since I visited, but you were nice enough to offer me an actual bed. I woulda taken a sleeping bag and a tent."

"C'mon cousin, America can't be that bad. You could have just gotten a capsule motel if you were that worried about it."

"Nah, shits too expensive. Plus campings cool as shit. I can also buy alcohol legally here, which you're unfortunately too much of a light weight to enjoy. Speaking off…" He said, reaching into his own plastic bag and pulling out a bottle of cheap beer.

The two cousins stopped to breath for a second, Kio wiped the sweat off his brow while Allen took a couple swigs from his bottle.

"Whew, lots of military jets today, huh Aren?"

"Yeppers, reminds me of that time I lived by the airforce base. Is there a military base nearby by chance?"

"Yeah, I believe so actually."

"Damn, also we gotta do something about my name. 'Aren' is gettin kinda annoying. I know we got a language barrier and everything, but I'm starting to feel kinda racist every time I hear it."

"Why would you…? Nevermind, what would you prefer then? Your old nickname?"

"Jojo? Nah, its too popular nowadays, plus I'm a stoner not a 15 year old body builder."

"Funny… How about Eris?"

"Nah, feels like something I would name my cat."

"Well, the kanji for your name is kichou, why not use that?"

"Doesn't that mean 'precious'? I'm I that precious to you cus, cus imma start blushin if you don't stop."

"You're an idiot, not precious. Why not Ki?"

"What am I, a monk? Dex is a dump stat and you know it."

"We're not getting into this right now. Monks are a valuable class compared to a barbarian."

"Now thems some fucking fighting words Kio. You talkin mad shit for someone within reckless attack distance."

"We're getting off topic."

"You're avoiding the new topic is what you're doing."

"Alright 'Aren'."

"Glad thats settled."

***SPACING***

_The two cousins continued to bicker all the way to the party, eventually deciding to shelf the nickname idea. Going up the stairs, they were stopped by an older man wearing sunglasses and a hawaiin shirt._

"Hey, Kio and Aren! I hope you two got the party favors I asked for."

"Aye aye cap'n plus some for myself." I said, holding up both bags and jostling my backpack full of various drinks.

"Thats my boy! Looks like my brother didn't raise no bitch!" The older man said, pulling the fellow drunk into a side hug.

"Uncle Yuichi, you're being impolite, and are you sure you should be drinking today?"

"Kio, we're celebrating the anniversary of our great-great-grandfather's death and if you just grieve they won't cross over!"

"Yeah Kio, wait, why hasn't he crossed over yet?"

"Whatever, now grab a drink Kio and celebrate like the rest of us." He said, letting go of me and reaching into the plastic bag and pulling out a can to offer to Kio.

Kio waved the offer away, "Sorry, I'm still underage."

"Ehhh, who cares dude! We're here to party after all, I won't tattle."

"Yeah, what Aren said. You're in highschool aren't you? Do you even have a girlfriend yet?"

Kio, embarrassed, rubbed the back of his head and looked away. "No, I don't. At least not yet."

"Hey cap'n that aint fair to bring up relationships. I'm single too you old bastard."

"Get with it you two! These are your golden years and they're wasting away! You won't stay young forever!" He said, before opening the can he held out for Kio and drinking it himself. After several long gulps he sighed before tearing up and hugging the can. "Theres nothing like your first girlfriend!"

"Damn cus, I think this old mans gonna try something stupid. Wanna go grab some snacks instead? We can smoke in the woods too, or at least I will."

"Now hold it! I'm not letting you two waste any time, you two are getting a girlfriend and thats final!" He said, grabbing both of us by our shoulders and pulling.

"Hey! Wait a minute!

"Yeah uncle, you can't just- Woah."

"What about that one? She's pretty nice?

Sitting in the crowd of family and friends was a tall girl with long orange hair.

"Good figure, great voice, nice and shapely, and look at those ears!"

Coming from the base of her back was a long orange tail, and at the top of her head were two puffy cat ears.

"A-a tail?!"

"Hey Kio, Imma be honest. I might go shoot my shot."

Our uncle left us behind and walked up to the girl. "Hey little lady! Can I offer you a refil on your drink?"

"Why yes! Thank you for the tasty beverage sir!"

He then proceeded to pour some of his beer into her cup, causing Kio to run over and get mad at our uncle.

"Are you crazy?! You know you can't give alcohol to minors!" He then turned to the neko cosplayer. "You look underage, so I can't let you have this, okay?"

"Thats fine! I'm already happy with all the dishes here! They're all so tasty!"

I walked up and grabbed a plate from the pile. "Damn right they are, and shouldn't you ask how old the girl is first Kio? Kinda rude to rip a cup out of a cute girl's hands like that. How old are you anyway?"

"Oh! Thank you for asking. According to your Earth measurements I would be 18 cycles."

"Haha, Kio am I super fucking drunk or does that sound suss to you too?"

"I dunno Aren, but I'll be holding onto this anyway."

"Oh! By the way! Speaking of these tasty treats, by what term do you use to describe this dish?" She said, holding up a plate of non-descript food.

"Kio, its your turn. I'm still super American, even if I know a bit of moon runes."

"First, kinda racist Aren, second, that is taro genkaku."

"I've never had it before today, but its so delicious! Like those…"

"Yeah, you two have fun. I'm giving this one to you Kio. She's super cute, so if you don't like her at least let me have a chance. Peace lil bro." I said, leaving Kio and the neko to talk.

"Wait! Aren! Don't leave meee!"

And so I left him, but not before grabbing a plate of every other food that looked delicious and walking off to the side to sit beside Uncle Yuichi.

"So, think they'll hit it off?" He asked me, taking a sip of his beer.

I sat the plate down, pulled a beer out of my bag and placed it on the small table between us. After sitting down comfortably, I pulled out the vape pen, and took a drag.

"Well, to be honest, I've no idea. I kinda hope he does and kinda hope he doesn't. I think she might be my type, know what I'm saying?"

"That I do kiddo. You've graduated, right? So now you can legally go wherever you wanna go… You ever think of joining the movie business?"

"What, like you? Uncle I think you think too highly of me. I may be good at acting, but I can't remember jack shit. Unless you're wanting me to write scripts, but you'll have to pay me."

"Thats the plan, plus I doubt your old man would be happy with me if I didn't pay you."

"Yeah, he'd probably come back to haunt your ass. I know I would."

"Yeah… But about Kio."

"Yeah, he's got that whole hentai protagonist look and aura going on. Like accidents happen around him that put him in erotic situations, you know what I'm saying?"

"You think so too?"

"Yeah, shits kinda weird now that I think about it. But still, I kinda like that girl already. She's cute, a little quirky, speaks weirdly, but I feel like I'd never get bored talking to her, know what I mean?"

"Yes, I do know what you mean, you don't have to keep repeating that."

"Shit, sorry, one track mind at the moment. Anyway 5000 yen says Kio is gonna embarrass himself." I said, pulling out 5000 yen and setting it on the table.

"We both know he's gonna do that, but how is the question." He said, responding with his own 5000 yen.

"Alright, I bet he's gonna end up drinking the beer you gave her on accident."

"Oooooh, plausible. I bet he's gonna trip and grab her chest on accident."

"Yeah, 'on accident', thats what they all say. But deal, you're on."

I passed the pen vape to Uncle Yuichi and began to snack on the food I grabbed. He took a few puffs himself and passed it back. Together we watched Kio talk to the new girl. We heard her introduce herself as 'Eris'.

Kio responded by bowing and introducing himself, nearly planting his face into her chest.

"Ooooh, almost uncle, that 5000 yen might be mine."

"Now Aren, I'm not a betting man, but I'll double or nothing your bet. I've got a good feeling on this one."

"You sure about that old man?" I said, pulling out another 5000 yen. "This will be my money if you lose."

"I'm sure of it, and this money will be mine." He said, tossing his own contribution into the pile.

We listened in more, on the edge of our seats.

"Is something the matter?" We heard her ask.

"No! Hahaha." Kio responded, blushing, before absent mindedly bringing the cup up to his lips and taking a sip.

"GAHD DAMMIT!"

"Haha, thats what we call a full house my friend." I said, scraping the money into my hands, putting it in my wallet, then putting the wallet in my robe inner chest pocket.

Kio staggered for a second before falling over, much to the girl's surprise.

"I was THIS close to gettin 10000 yen, and its not a full house, if we were playing cards you won by a three pair, while I had two pairs."

"I still won old man, now go ahead and enjoy your beer. I gotta go help Kio up and get him into bed." I said, standing up from my seat and walking over.

"Well hello beautiful, sorry about my cousin here, he's a bit of a light weight."

"Ummm, is he going to be okay?" She asked, looking him over.

"Yeah, yeah. Imma just get him back home and let him sleep it off." I said, picking him up in a fireman carry. "C'mon bruv, lets get you some nappy times."

"Is it alright if I come with you? I may be able to take care of him and ensure he doesn't garner any more injuries."

"I mean, I think I know enough to make sure he's good, what do you not have a place to stay for the night or something?"

"My ship is a long distance away, and it would take long into the night to travel there, possibly into the morning."

"Fair enough, you can take my bed, I'll crash on the couch."

"Oh! I could never impose!"

"Nah, no skin off my bones. Just be a dear and grab a couple togo bags, Imma be hungry later. I gotta say goodbye to everyone for Kio."

"Of course! Right away!"

***SPACE-ING***

By the time she got the togo bags, and I said goodbye to everyone, the sun had set and it was night. The moon was surprisingly full tonight, meaning we had no problem walking to Kio's home.

"Alright, to start. My names Allen, and you?"

"Nice to meet you Allen, my name is Eris. It is a pleasure to meet you."

"Huh, you must not be Japanese. Anyway, introductions are a formality, now I can ask forreal. What are you?"

"Do you mean my race?"

"Yeah, I mean, are those actual cat ears and a kitty tail? I mean, they're cute as all hell, but they're not human."

"Well, as you can see I am a Catian. As for who I am, I am a Catian Scout of the Catian Embassy. Captain Eris is my designation."

"Huh, well I'll be fucked. Sounds fancy. So, stupid question, by 'ship' do you mean a spaceship? Like StarTrek ships?"

"I don't remember any information labeled 'StarTrek' but if it is similar to Sabishii Spaceman, then that is correct. We of the Catian Embassy travel across the universe, and we happened to find your little planet and decided to visit."

Kio mumbled something from my shoulders and I repositioned him lightly, as to make him somewhat more comfortable.

"Dunno if I heard that one before, I'm not from around here tho, so thats sorta to be expected."

"If you have the chance to hear it, I greatly recommend it!"

"Fair, fair. Hey, you mind reaching into my pocket and grabbing the keys? Its the one shaped like a Lucky Cat. Don't judge me, it was Kio's old spare key."

"Sure!" She said, reaching into my right pants pocket.

"Hey! Woah now, don't get handsy in there. Just grab the KEYS!"

"Thats not them… Oh, there they are!"

"Hells bells Eris, at least buy me dinner first."

"Huh?"

"Nevermind, just… just put the keys in."

She unlocked the door and opened it, allowing me to slip inside. I grimaced looking at the stairs, as I was still sobering up myself.

"Fuck, I might just leave this bastard on the couch too. Haven't had a cuddle buddy in years… wait that's kinda gay. Nevermind, I'll take him upstairs. Eris, go ahead and put that stuff in the fridge and come upstairs when you're done. I'll show you your room while you're here."

"Of course! Thank you so much for your hospitality!"

"Yeah, yeah."

I carefully maneuvered up the stairs, and kicked open Kio's door. Luckily he left it slightly open, but the boot print would have to be scrubbed off later. A problem for future Allen, to be sure, but not one for present Allen.

"Aight buddy, time to sleep." I said, dropping him gently yet unceremoniously into his bed. Grabbing the covers, I pulled them over him and made sure to close his blinds. "Perfect, now hangover stuff…"

Going into his closet, I pulled out a fresh set of pajamas and set them on his nightstand, next I grabbed his trash can and placed it beside the bed with a fresh bag in it. Lastly, I grabbed a bottle of water and a bottle of sprite out of the mini fridge in my room and left them on his nightstand.

"Fucking hell, I wish I had someone to watch over ME when I first got drunk. Oh well Kio, sleep well buddy." I said, as I set up a fan and set it to low pointing at him.

"Is he going to be fine?"

"JE- phew. I nearly screamed. You know, you're as stealthy as a cat too."

She giggled and lightly tapped her feet. "Well I AM a Catian for a reason."

"Oh? Wait, no. I'm not flirting with you yet. I dunno if Kio likes you, and I don't wanna jump on his curtaintails."

"Hmm?"

I looked her over, then looked at Kio.

"Actually, fuck that, Kio has 2 girls that wanna jump his bone, and he refuses to notice. Anyway, Kio and I are both single pringles. We've got no romantic interests at the moment. So I'll go ahead and say this now. You're pretty cute, and I say that romantically, not platonically, even though its true platonically as well."

She looked confused for a second then blushed. "A-are all humans this forward?"

"Well, no, but I like getting the air cleared before any misunderstandings happen. I think Kio already has a girl he likes, two actually, so I may ask if you wanna go on a date later, if he doesn't beat me to it."

"Well, I think that would be lovely! It would help me gather more information on human culture as well as human relationships."

"Hey, I said I may ask you LATER. We just met each other, and even if I wanna ask you out, I wanna get to know you a little better first. Anyway, lets get your bed set up." I said, walking to my room and opening the door.

In the room was a queen bed tucked into the corner. In front of the bed was a desk set up with a large TV and a smaller monitor beside it. Beside the bed was a minifridge.

"Alright, so this is my room, feel free to do whatever, just don't break anything. Theres the TV with the remote, I'd set up the game systems, but its too late and I'm crashing hard. Feel free to raid the fridge or my closet for clothes."

"Alright! Thank you so much for your generosity! I will be sure to pay you back for everything you've done."

"Think nothing of it, now if you don't mind I gotta take a shower and probably have one last smoke for the night. Best to sober up a little bit first." I said, pulling out a pair of pajama pants from my closet as well as a pillow and blanket, then grabbing a Cheerwine out of my minifridge and opening it. "Gotta stay hydrated…"

"You know, you don't have to give up your bed."

"What?"

"I'm saying that you can always sleep with me. Us Catians normally sleep together, its a pack tactic."

"Okay Eris, Eris okay. Okay Eris, Eris okay. I'm a human, and you don't sleep with a member of the opposite sex unless you plan on doing the horizontal tango."

"I'm unfamiliar with that saying, what does it mean?" She asked, tilting her head and causing her ears to flick.

"Yeah, I dunno if I'm just lonely, but those cat ears are doing something to me. I'm gonna pass on this one just this once."

"Awww, are you sure? I feel like it would be a good collection of data on-"

"I'm gonna stop you right there. I'm gonna go sleep on the couch, you choose some pajamas and go to sleep. Feel free to pop some TV on, I think Japanese subtitles are on if you can't read or understand English. Goodnight Eris."

"You're no fun Allen, but I understand. Goodnight to you too."

I closed the door behind me and stepped into the bathroom. I cleaned off, and got into my pajamas, these being a different robe, one thats much softer, and a pair of night pants which were equally soft. After that, I stepped into the back yard and grabbed my smoking chair from the back door. While nothing special, it was a round folding chair comprised of several interlinking ropes. Surprisingly, it was super comfortable, especially when you put a blanket over it. I opened it up and sat down, pulling out my bag which held all my smoke stuffs.

"Alright, time to pump some jams and jump some pams… Fuck that was stupid, I need to come up with better sayings and jokes."

After a good thirty minutes or so of smoking, I cleaned everything up, sprayed some smell goods on me, and put all my stuff into the shed in the backyard.

Stumbling inside, I took my shirt and pants off then put my robe back on. Leaving my in my boxers with a soft blanket like robe on.

"Fuck, is it always so hot in here? I need my own fan… Hopefully Kio doesn't mind me losing some layers, its either that or I die of heat stroke in here…"

Once I found another fan and set it up, I laid back and got comfortable on the couch.

"I wonder if Eris wasn't kidding about sleeping with her?"


End file.
